Mothers and daughters share a unique connection. This bond is strengthened through shared experiences and supporting each other through difficult times.
Unfortunately, sometimes, certain life events push mothers and daughters apart. A woman who grew estranged from her mother after her sister’s death asked the forum, “Would I be wrong for not inviting my mom to my wedding?”
Here’s what happened.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
The original poster (29 F) is marrying her fiancé (35 M) in October.
They have been discussing whether or not OP should invite her mom to their wedding.
“I have not contacted my mom since July last year. Our relationship had been strained for 12 months leading up to that point,” informs OP
In 2017, OP’s younger sister passed away suddenly. OP and her sister didn’t have a strong relationship.
“While her death was a shock, my mourning period was more the emotional struggle of supporting my mom, who was in so much pain from the grief,” says OP.
OP’S MOM TURNED TOXIC TOWARD OP
As time passed, they started to learn to live with the loss, OP’s mom started to get a bit toxic with OP.
SHE STARTED COMMENTING ON OP’S LIFE DECISIONS
It started with snide comments about OP’s life decisions.
“I’m a very career-driven person. I love my job and have a very close-knit work family, as does my future husband. We are both in agreement that children will never be our thing, and we’re happy with that life choice,” says OP.
For OP’s mother, this meant she would never get grandchildren.
OP FELT GUILTY
OP’s mother would mention that she wouldn’t be a grandmother during discussions – ranging from family get-togethers to her work clients if I visited her.
“I’ll admit, it did make me feel guilty – I know being a grandmother was something she was looking forward to, and now that’s been taken from her. I just accepted that she was hurting, and this was a new grieving period for her, and let it be,” says OP.
From here, things started escalating, and it felt like she was looking to pick fights with OP.
THE FINAL STRAW
While it mainly was petty stuff, the thing that caused the big “ex-communicado” was her client. The client confided in OP’s mom about her messy divorce and how she believed her soon-to-be ex-husband was hiding assets from her.
“My field of work has an element of dealing with such issues, and so my mom told her to contact me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help my mom’s client to the in-depth level she needed,” says OP.
OP REFERRED THE CLIENT TO ANOTHER PERSON
The client needed someone to help her full-time, which OP required more time.
“I did sit down for an hour with her and gave her a guide on who else she could engage and the process to expect,” says OP.
THE CLIENT CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE
Long story short, the person OP recommended was ‘too expensive,’ and the client instead found someone ‘cheaper’ through a quick Google search.
As they say, you pay peanuts, and you get monkeys. It ended up causing a whole bunch of problems for her, which significantly impacted the divorce proceedings.
“I know what happened because she returned to me, essentially asking me to fix it for her. I politely declined – if I had the time to fix it, I would have done the job for her first,” says OP.
OP AND HER MOTHER GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT
The client ended up dobbing on OP to her mom, who then intervened and demanded that OP fix it.
“What I found ironic through that process was my mom let me know it “wasn’t her place to take sides. So I asked her – why do you even need to take one when there is no need to interject yourself,” says OP.
OP’s mother hung up, and they didn’t talk for a few months afterward. “I never heard from her client again,” says OP.
OP’S MOTHER SHOWED UP AT OP’S HOME
The next time OP heard from her mom was when things came to a head. She showed up at OP’s house one day – unannounced. She knocked on the door, and OP’s fiancé (then boyfriend) opened up. She pushed him out of the way and marched straight into my home office.
SHE STARTED TO BERATE OP
She then started to berate OP about how OP was a “toxic person” with a “horrible attitude.” She told OP that she loved her because she came out of her. But as a person, she hates OP and has no reason to maintain a friendship with her.
“I am just like my father (her ex-husband, who, for context, is a very horrible man, and I have not had contact with since I was 16), and my sister got her good genetics,” says OP.
OP’S MOM WAS UNWELL
Taken aback by the 10-minute tirade, all OP said was, “Is that all?” She asked OP, “Are you happy and healthy?” OP said, “Yep.” She said, “Good, I’m glad,” and stormed out of the house.
On the way out, she told OP’s fiancé she was going in for surgery in two days, but he should not tell OP anything. Of course, he told OP, but OP didn’t act on this information and just let it be.
THEY MET A FEW MONTHS LATER
A few months later, OP’s mother did the same thing, except this time, OP decided to stand her ground.
She came over because she had heard about OP’s engagement. She tried to hug OP to “congratulate” her (in a very condescending manner). OP pushed her back and said, “Why are you here? Don’t you hate me?”
She then tried to give her a talk again about how she loves OP because she is her child but still hates her as a person.
OP CUT HER OFF
OP just walked to the front door and onto the front yard during this rant. After she finished, OP said, “That’s great, you need to leave.”
Then OP’s mother jumped off the deep end and asked, “Are you cutting me off?”
OP was left a bit dumbfounded by that comment, so she said, “But you hate me?”
She replied to something of the effect of, “Yes, but I can still hate you and have you in my life; I did it with your father for years.”
OP said, “Well then, yes, I’m cutting you off, goodbye.”
“I left her in the front yard, walked back inside, and closed the door. I haven’t seen or heard from her since,” informs OP.
OP ASKED HER BOSS TO OFFICIATE HER WEDDING
OP has a close relationship with her boss.
“She’s about the same age as my mother, and I’ve worked with her for almost ten years. She’s someone I’ve admired professionally and personally and has been a fantastic mentor,” says OP.
OP’s boss also has a great relationship with OP’s future husband, so they asked her to officiate their wedding – to which she graciously agreed.
OP WANTS HER BOSS TO BE THE ‘MOTHER OF THE BRIDE’
OP asked her boss if she would have any issue with being recognized as the “mother of the bride” given her mom’s behavior.
While she was honored and is happy to do so, she has asked OP if it’s the “right thing” to do in this situation. She didn’t want to take that moment away from OP’s mom.
OP told her boss her mother was not invited and that she lost that opportunity the minute she came in and said she hated me.
OP’S BOSS WANTS OP TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION
“My mentor says I should make sure this is the right decision. It feels right, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve let my anger from the whole situation cloud my judgment,” says OP.
“So, am I making the right decision,” asks OP.
Here’s what the people on the forum said.
YOUR MOTHER SOUNDS MANIPULATIVE
“You are not wrong. Your mother sounds like a manipulative person who would cross all sorts of boundaries to feel entitled. Sometimes, family by choice is superior to family by blood. It is your special day; you have got all rights to feel special, and her being there would ruin it.”
HONOR YOUR BOSS IN ANOTHER WAY
“You are not wrong for not inviting your mom. My mom has only been to my home once in 12 years and only made it to my garage to pick a few things up. She doesn’t even know my current address.
Calling your boss the mother of the bride may be a bad idea, especially if any of your mother’s family will be there. It will need to be clarified. You can think of another way to honor her in front of your guests, but it doesn’t make a wrinkle in your family tree that people already know about.
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