Losing a child is a devastating experience for parents. It can lead to complex emotions, including grief, anger, guilt, and despair. These emotions can take a toll on both the individual and the relationship.
Sometimes, the grief of losing a child can be too much for a marriage to bear. Parents may cope with their grief differently, which can lead to conflict and resentment.
For the couple in the paragraph, their divorce after the death of their child is a testament to the overwhelming impact of grief. Their current custody dispute likely reflects the ongoing pain and trauma they are both experiencing.
The stepmother to the kids asked the forum, “Am I wrong for refusing to follow my husband’s ex-wife’s rules for our step-kids regarding food?”
Here’s the whole story.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
The Original Poster’s (OP) Husband’s ex wife (Kate), OP’s husband and OP have been fighting for the past few weeks.
Kate now threatens to take them back to court about custody arrangements over her food rules.
THE BACKSTORY
OP’s husband’s third child passed away very young due to complications from an allergy. They had left the three kids with Kate’s niece as a babysitter, and their youngest son had an allergic reaction.
No one knew the child (3M) was allergic to anything. The cousin mistakenly thought an allergic reaction was just being ill and gave him Benadryl to help him sleep it off which led to the death of the baby.
Kate has been very fearful about what the other two kids eat.
WHY DOES KATE WANT EVERYONE TO FOLLOW THE FOOD RULES FOR HER KIDS?
Kate has read a lot of alternative medicine blogs and genuinely believes in a bunch of myths like food combining and gut biome related. At first, OP and the kids’ father tried to accommodate her concern as it came from a place of love for the kids, but the list has grown to the point that they can no longer follow them all and have given up.
WHAT ARE THE FOOD RULES?
Some food rules include:
No fruit after 5 pm
No liquids directly before a meal or while eating, or shortly after eating
No ice-cold drinks, only cool or lukewarm
No non-natural sugars
No FODMAP foods
No combining starches/carbs
15 minutes of digestion sitting time after every meal
No gluten at all
There are way more rules than this; OP and her husband have a Google document that Kate updates with new rules and hyperlinks to “studies” that show why it’s vital that the kids follow these rules.
“None of the kids (10F, 13M) have food intolerance or allergies,” says OP.
OP’S MIL IS ON KATE’S SIDE
“My MIL is firmly on Kate’s side and has been berating my husband and myself for not following Kate’s rules regarding food,” says OP.
MEALS HAVE BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO HANDLE IN OP’S HOME
OP’s husband and kids don’t follow these rules and making all these meals impossible to handle. Also, the step-kids hate following these rules when the two other children don’t.
“My husband and I don’t think it’s fair for my children to have to eat this restrictive diet,” says OP
“Am I wrong for not following Kate’s food rules for her kids when they’re at our place,” asks OP.
Here’s how people responded.
OP’S HUSBAND NEEDS TO INITIATE COURT INTERVENTION
“You are not wrong, but I think your husband needs to spearhead this fight with you for support. If these kids don’t have food-related allergies, her list of rules is a bit inhumane and unnecessary.
Your husband may need to initiate court intervention regarding parenting because Kate is not approaching this rationally. I can’t imagine a pediatrician or any other doctor backing this food regimen. Kate needs some therapy, and MIL needs to stay in her lane or get behind her son, not former DIL.”
DOCUMENT THINGS
“Document things so she can no longer threaten you with the court. Most judges recognize that when a parent pushes something they think is healthy so hard, it becomes unhealthy for the kids.”
THESE FOOD RULES ARE DANGEROUS
“At least one of those “rules” is actively dangerous. You can only subsist on FODMAP for a few months. It’s designed for people with food intolerances to figure out what they are by cutting them all out of their diet and reintroducing them.
Other rules are also not great health-wise – liquids while/after eating aid digestion and prevent overeating. A gluten-free diet for someone who isn’t intolerant can mess up your digestive system long-term.
Also, I’m laughing hard at “no combining starches and carbs” – starch is a carbohydrate, as anyone who vaguely listened in biology or chemistry in school can tell you.”
LET HER TAKE YOU TO COURT
“I was going to say, let her take you to court. Tell her that you will not follow the document and won’t discuss it anymore, and if she doesn’t like it take you to court. Get copies of the doc and proof that the kids have no allergies or intolerances. Go to court.
These are not reasonable asks or accommodations, and I don’t think a judge would uphold them.
Talk to a lawyer first, but this is how I’d deal with it.”
KATE IS USING FOOD TO CONTROL HER KIDS
“Kate isn’t just hurting; she’s using food as an unhealthy form of control, thinking if she gets things perfect, the kids won’t die. She’s damaging her kids because of her mental illness, and yes, she was triggered by intense grief, but it’s still unhealthy.”
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN