It’s hard to say no to relatives seeking financial help. Helping your family seems like the right thing to do, and nobody wants to be the person who doesn’t help their own family.
But if their frequent requests make you or your partner uncomfortable, you should set clear boundaries. After all, it is essential to consider the feelings and opinions of your partner when making a decision that affects both.
A man whose sister constantly pesters him for money asked the forum, “Am I wrong for loaning my sister money, knowing my wife didn’t want to?”
Here’s his story.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
When the original poster (OP) met his wife six years ago, his sister (43) used to ask them for money all the time.
“I will be the first to admit that my sister absolutely, without a doubt, abused our kindness on extreme levels. But at that time, there wasn’t much we could do about it.,” says OP.
WHAT DID OP’S SISTER DO?
OP and his wife were living in his sister’s home. They had no means of escape because they were backed into a corner weekly by OP’s sister asking for cash.
“One month alone, we had given her well over $2k,” says OP.
OP AND WIFE LEFT HIS SISTER’S HOUSE
Leaving the house was an absolute struggle because OP and his wife were broke due to OP’s sister.
“When we left the house, my wife made it clear that she would never ever be willing to help my sister again. I agreed with her and said I wouldn’t either,” says OP.
THEY MOVED INTO A SHACK WITH NO HEATING
OP and his wife’s financial situation was so bad that they moved into a shack with no heating system, holes in the floor/outer walls, mold, and water damage. They did this to escape OP’s sister. Even then, we struggled to pay the first month’s rent ($650) because of our debt.
“So yes, I agreed with my wife. I told her I wouldn’t be helping my sister either,” says OP.
OP’S SISTER CONTINUED ASKING THEM FOR MONEY
“For the next two years, my sister still called looking for money, and it was mentally difficult to deal with her,” says OP.
OP’s wife ended up blocking her from all modes of contact. While I didn’t block her, the calls eventually stopped. They barely spoke to her for the last four years.
“She did attend our wedding back in March, and it was nice catching up with her, and everything went fine,” says OP.
OP SENT HER MONEY AGAIN
OP’s sister called OP 3 days ago and asked if he could give her $200 because she was short on her electric bill, and it got turned off. “She can’t sleep without an electric (CPAP machine), so I said yes and sent it to her via FB pay,” says OP.
OP’S WIFE FOUND OUT
OP’s wife got on to the bank statements and saw it listed that Op sent his sister money. “She absolutely blew up on me. She said she could no longer trust me and ended up removing herself from our shared account and pulling all her money,” says OP.
OP’S WIFE TOLD HIM HE HAD BEEN DUPED AGAIN
When OP told her it was an overreaction, as his sister physically could not sleep without her CPAP, OP’s wife told him, “Maybe you should have done some digging first, considering your mom just gave your sister six hundred dollars to pay off her electricity two weeks ago. I will never trust you again.”
“Am I wrong for loaning my sister money,” asks OP.
Here’s the verdict.
YOU ARE WRONG
“Yes, you are wrong. Your sister is taking advantage of you, and you’re letting her do it. No wonder your wife is mad at you.”
SHE SHOULD LEARN HOW TO MANAGE MONEY BETTER
“OP, you use the word “loaning” in the title- this is clearly not a loan as you will not be receiving a penny back from her. This is another $200 you gave to her after agreeing with your wife you were done.
And even if it were true that the money was for her electric bill, if she can’t sleep without her CPAP machine, that’s her problem. She’s 43 years old and needs to learn how to manage her money.”
WHAT YOU CALL IT MATTERS
“What the OP calls it matters. He’s got options:
Calling it a “loan” — this is a lie
Calling it a “gift” — this is closer
Calling it “getting conned” — this is the truth.”
YOUR WIFE NOW KNOWS YOU ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY
“Not only did you cave into your sister’s manipulation, but you lied to your wife. You agreed that no more money should go to your sister and sent it anyway. Your wife is wise to see that you are untrustworthy about this.”
YOU NEED THERAPY
“Your family is struggling, and you’re still sneaking money off to your sister despite promising your wife that you wouldn’t?
You need therapy. There is something severely wrong with you that you keep falling for your sister’s scams and crocodile tears. She is a grifter, and she’s likely on drugs.
You just blew up your entire marriage for this. I hope you enjoy being divorced.”
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