Choosing to end a marriage can be difficult even when the relationship seems full of conflict and emotional pain, with little joy or support. You may have moments when you want to end everything and walk away. And then there are moments when you remember how it used to be and want to improve things.
A woman married for over 20 years finds it tough to deal with her husband’s anger issues. She asked the forum, “Am I wrong for wanting to leave my husband?”
Here’s her story.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
The original poster (50, F) and her husband (48, M) have been married for over 20 years. Lately, OP can’t stop thinking about whether life would be better away from her husband.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Says OP, “He’s a great man, hardworking, and overall has great qualities. Our sex life is great and still often.”
However, he has anger issues. “He gets upset easily, and for the last two years, it seems he gets upset more frequently. When he gets upset, he starts screaming at me and the kids,” explains OP.
WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER THIS WEEK?
This week everything was fine until OP’s husband asked what load was in the dryer. Says OP, “I replied that I was washing the sheets of my son’s room. That was it! He was agitated and started screaming that our oldest one didn’t respect our house, that he had left the sheets dirty after being here for the summer, and that I was happy to do everything for him.”
He started throwing the dishes in the sink. OP couldn’t talk. “I couldn’t tell him that our oldest one wanted to put a load with the sheets, but I was the one who had told him to leave them because he was running late already to the airport,” says OP.
The husband’s screaming and rant lasted about 10 minutes.
HER HUSBAND’S BEHAVIOR DRIVES OP CRAZY
“When he gets like this, he doesn’t listen, assumes a lot of stuff, and it drives me crazy,” says OP.
They’ve talked about this, and OP has told him this is verbal abuse. He apologizes, and then it happens again and again.
“Frankly, at this age, I feel tired to deal with his tantrums but feel so selfish to think that maybe it will be better if we divorce,” says OP.
OP’S HUSBAND IS ALSO AN INTROVERT
Something else that drives OP crazy is that her husband is an introvert and has zero friends. “He hates doing stuff on the weekends because there’s traffic, too many people, etc. There’s always an excuse. And when we go out together, he ends up upset for one reason or another,” says OP.
“On the other hand, I need to go out. I need something to look forward to over the weekend or holidays,” OP explains.
WHAT’S DIFFERENT NOW?
“You may wonder why all of a sudden these things bother me. Maybe because I’m older. Also, before he would make an effort for us to go out or do something on the weekends,” says OP.
OP’s husband has also mentioned that “going out is work and not enjoyable.” Also, he would control his emotions better earlier.
“Am I wrong for thinking there could be someone better out there for me,” asks OP.
Here’s what the people think.
HE SHOULD VISIT A DOCTOR
“You mention a time frame where it’s gotten worse. Have you noticed any other cognitive or behavioral changes? How is his health? Perhaps he should visit a doctor.”
HE SHOULD GET HIS BLOOD SUGAR CHECKED
“Not that obvious; I know several people with this same issue, and it turned out to be diabetes. When blood sugar gets too high, it can be almost like “Roid Rage.” He should get his blood sugar checked.”
THERE’S NOTHING MEDICALLY WRONG
“There is a good chance there is nothing medically wrong with him that would cause this issue. I have gotten crazier and angrier as I have aged. I see a therapist for it. It can happen.”
TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO GET CHECKED
“I’d gently inform him when he’s calm that he needs to get checked out or you will file for divorce. Gently. Lovingly, if possible.”
YOU NEED TO DECOMPRESS TO THINK CLEARLY
“Yeah, we hit an age (around 50) when all that we’ve endured for so long comes to a head, and we’re DONE! Rather than call the whole thing off, consider taking a solo vacation. It could be something as simple as a hotel out of town where you can recoup, and he can stew. You might come back with appreciation of your marriage or decide to stop at a lawyer’s office on the way home. You need to decompress to think clearly.”
IT’S NOT WRONG TO WANT TO BE HAPPY
“I divorced after 20 years for a similar reason, at around the same age- except I couldn’t say my husband was a great guy in other ways. After two decades, I just got tired of walking on eggshells, wondering if every decision I made would be wrong. I hated the idea that this would be the rest of my life if I didn’t change. It was the right choice for me- I’m happy, have a great relationship, and generally thrive. It’s not wrong to want to be happy.”
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