Apologies are a necessary part of life, and the simple words “I’m sorry” can be compelling. But would you apologize to someone even if you weren’t to blame, to keep the peace?
A young woman who refused to apologize to her stepmother asked the forum, “Am I wrong for refusing to apologize to my dad’s wife for what I said when she was rude to me?”
Here’s what happened.
THE BACKSTORY
The original poster (OP) is a 24-year-old woman staying with her dad at his summer house. “My dad’s wife Monica is also here. To be clear, neither Monica nor I have jobs,” says OP.
THE ISSUE
Monica has always had an issue with OP’s unemployment. “According to my dad, she thinks it shouldn’t be the case and that my dad should pressure me to get a job, which he has declined to do,” says OP.
She has made the odd thinly veiled comment about it which OP ignored.
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE POOL?
When OP was out by the pool two days ago, Monica came over to sit with OP. OP thought this was pretty odd.
Monica asked OP what she planned on doing for the rest of the summer, and OP said she would have several friends visit after she went home.
THE CONVERSATION TURNED TO WORK
Monica asked OP how she and her friends had so much free time and turned the conversation back to “work.” “I was calmly dodging her barbed comments and told her if my dad doesn’t care about my having a job, she shouldn’t either,” says OP.
“Monica then said even if he weren’t pushing, he would be ‘proud of me earning my own money,’ which frankly, set me off,” says OP.
OP turned to Monica and said, “Do you think my dad would be proud of me earning money like you do?” Monica got very flustered and went inside.
MONICA COMPLAINED TO OP’S DAD
Monica went to OP’s dad in tears and told him what she said. “My dad was initially on my side and said she should mind her own business, but she’s still upset and not speaking to anyone,” explains OP.
OP’s dad wants OP to apologize to Monica because she’s learned her lesson and won’t try again, but it’s time to make peace because she feels uncomfortable.
WHAT DOES OP THINK?
“I think she knows she messed up and is dragging this out. If I don’t need an apology for her inappropriate behavior, I don’t see why she needs one for my reaction,” says OP.
“Am I wrong for not apologizing,” she asks.
Here are the responses.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG
“Not wrong. Apologize for what? Commenting on her employment status after she commented on yours?”
WHY SHOULD OP APOLOGIZE IF MONICA LEARNED HER LESSON?
“I’m trying to figure out how ‘she learned her lesson’ and ‘you should apologize’ fit together.”
DAD’S TRYING TO MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER
“He means, ‘She got what’s coming to her, but I’m going to have to deal with her sulking, so just pretend you’re sorry so she’s less embarrassed.’ Dad’s just trying to make his life easier.”
HAVE A PLAN IN CASE YOUR FATHER CHANGES HIS MIND
“You say that, but there are a lot of adult children in this world who never would have guessed their parents would pick the new partner over them. I encourage you to have a plan if things change in your dad’s mind.
APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR DAD’S SAKE
“Considering he lets you live with him rent-free, this doesn’t seem unreasonable. Apologize for your dad’s sake. You don’t even have to mean it.”
A LITTLE GIVE AND TAKE IS WORTH THE TRY
“He is making your life easier – a place to live, food to eat, a pool to swim by, so a little give and take is worth the try. You are fortunate to have a father as giving and understanding as he is; most do not. If you are not going to support yourself, you can grow in other ways while you have the time.”
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN