Everyone has a past and you should not judge someone for their past especially if things were out of their control. A user on the Reddit forum is asking “Is he wrong in uninviting his parents to his wedding who are judging his fiancée for her past?”
Here is the full story!
Background
“My fiancée grew up in a Jewish cult. She was married to a 33 year old man when she was 13 years old. Even though she ran away and left the cult when she was a teen she wasn’t able to get a divorce because state law said she needed her parent’s permission if she was under 18. She couldn’t enroll in school or classes because she needed her husband’s permission since she was underage. Women’s shelters wouldn’t help her because they couldn’t accept underage people without their parents but CPS also wouldn’t help because she was married and considered an adult. She was homeless for a time and she wasn’t able to get a divorce until she was 22. I have seen proof of all this.”
What’s The Issue?
“I found out that my parents did a background check on her after we got engaged and know she’s divorced and why. Apparently they did the same thing for my brother’s wife and my sister’s husband and neither my brother or sister have a problem with this but I do. My fiancée doesn’t like to talk about her divorce. She’s been to counseling but she still hates talking about. I know about it but I would never break her confidence. I’m angry at my parents for the background check and for judging her about being divorced when it was because she was in a forced marriage as a child. My parents say they don’t have a problem with divorce in general and we aren’t religious but they thought a 26 year old being divorced was a red flag.”
What Happened Next?
“For now I’m not talking to them and I am not inviting them to the wedding my brother and sister say I’m being a bad son and overreacting because my parents meant well. I don’t think so but I’m getting a lot of pushback and guilting from both of my siblings.”
Here’s what other users are saying.
Your Parents Should Not Be Invited To Wedding
“What’s wrong with these religious cults FORCING minors to marry and then condemn the child for wanting to get out of the marriage? Almost always a minor girl and an old man. Your fiancé didn’t have a marriage but legalized rape of a minor.
OPs parents should be uninvited until they respectfully apologize to your fiancé.”
You Parents Doesn’t Have A Say In This
“Your parents did not and do not mean well. They stuck their noses in matters that are absolutely none of their concern, and in doing so caused needless pain to a completely innocent person.
I would not invite them to my wedding, either. Their behavior is beyond the pale.”
Your Parents Don’t Mean Good For You
“I’d like to hear OP’s parents and siblings explain exactly what they DID mean then. When someone “means well” it’s because they try to do something nice and it backfires. Exactly what is the nice thing they were trying to do by saying it’s a “red flag”?
What exactly is it a red flag of??? That she overcame hardship all by herself? That she persevered through barriers stacked against her?
Your parents sound awful and your siblings just don’t want to rock the boat.
When families do disappointing things like this, it forces adult children to choose, and parents like this are always shocked their kids choose their new spouse. That’s what couples are SUPPOSED to do, pick their spouses.”
What’s Wrong With The Parents
“NTA, there is something wrong with your parents. They know she was married off to a 33yo man at 13 and she managed to get herself out of that situation, but think it’s a red flag that she was divorced, this is ridiculous”
Your Fiancée Is A Strong Woman And Your Parents Should Support Her Instead
“No kidding. I think her history shows how strong she is and how she will work to protect herself and persevere to succeed. Her background is not a red flag. It’s a testament to what a great person she is. The fact that your parents can’t see this is incomprehensible.
NTA. Tell them to stay home during the wedding.”
Your Fiancée Deserves Your Love
“First off, I am so sorry that your fiancée went through that. It is horrifying and should be illegal. I hope she finds only joy and happiness in her life going forward. She deserves it. If you were my son I would make it my mission to give her the love and family support that she (and honestly every child) deserves.
How any adult could feel otherwise is beyond me.”
Your Parents Are Being Overprotective
“NTA
I get that your parents are way over protective. Like are they multi-millionaires or something and want to endure you’re not taken advantage of?
I’d tell my parents this and only this..
Parents, while I appreciate your concern over my future wife’s divorced status. I question your ability to be compassionate towards a child. A child Forced into a marriage at such a young age. Let me remind you. She was 13.
What were you doing at 13? Mother, were you forced into a marriage and sexually assaulted?
Dad, when you were 33 would you have married a 13 year old without her consent then try to have babies on that child???
Parents, you need counseling. There is something wrong with you fundamentally.
Even if future wife was 21 and then divorced 6 months to a year later why would it matter? We all make errors in our lives. Have you been perfect in all regards? We all make mistakes. You need to evaluate your thought processes.
Op, do your siblings actually realize the extent of what future wife had to go through? I’d lay it out and if they too lack compassion I’d uninvite them too.”
Why Your Parents Are Being Untrusting?
“Is there a reason why your parents are so untrusting? And, while your brother and sister don’t have a problem with them doing a background check on their spouses, how do the spouses feel about it??
Your parents have an opportunity to be compassionate to the horrifying past of your fiancé but instead are using it to tell you to wave off. They seem like overbearing, micromanaging bullies. Good riddance.”
Your Parents Don’t Mean Well
“First and foremost, your parents didn’t mean well. They were and are controlling, manipulative, and abusive. They are trying to curate your life to fit their expectations and your fiancee does reach their benchmark. You will hear only hear grief and slander from them.
Tell them the only red flag you see is that your parents support child marriage and child rape. That because of this, you are not comfortable having them in your and your future wife’s life and any grandchildren that may come along. You are going to have to set strong boundaries. You are going to have to choose between your family or your future family with your fiancee, because she will continually be harmed by your parents, particularly your mother.
I strongly suggest getting marriage counseling so you can hone your communication skills and bolster your boundaries. Counseling keeps you on the same page with each other and helps form the best foundation for a marriage based on teamwork. You can work through the abusive baggage you are both bringing into this relationship and counseling can help break those cycles. Shop around until you find the best counselor for you and not just settle for the first one.
NTA, and you are not overreacting. I am not a lawyer or know much about the laws where you live but what your parents did might be illegal? It might be worth inquiring and getting a restraining order if that is possible. Oh, and they will try to spoil your wedding.”
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN