Divorces can be messy, especially when children are involved. But what if your ex asks you to babysit the child he’s expecting with his new girlfriend? It’s a difficult decision, with mixed emotions. On the one hand, you may not want to be involved with your ex’s new family. On the other, you may feel an obligation to help out with your child’s half-sibling.
A user asked on a Subreddit, “Am I wrong for not babysitting my ex-husband’s kid?”
Here’s what happened.
THE BACKSTORY
The original poster (OP) is a 30-year-old female, and her ex-husband (32) have two kids, a two-year-old girl and a four-year-old boy. The two have been divorced for six months. The husband is now expecting a baby with his new girlfriend.
The OP is still not over him and is still bitter and hurt. “I’m admittedly not over him. We were together for ten years, my entire adulthood. It was and is a messy split. I’m still bitter and hurt about it, and he seems to have completely moved on somehow.”
THEY HAD A COMFORTABLE HOME LIFE
“When we had our oldest, neither wanted him in daycare (no judgment, we just didn’t feel comfortable), so I stayed home and eventually started my own business that allows me to work 99% remotely. My parents are also local and retired and help me as much as possible. This arrangement works for me, and I get to spend time with both of my kids.”
IT ISN’T THE SAME FOR THEM
Now, the ex’s girlfriend is five months pregnant, and they got into a huge fight because she asked him to tour daycares. My ex said absolutely not; he wants her to stay home with the baby as none of his kids are going to daycare (admittedly, the ones here suck).
WHAT THE EX-HUSBAND SAID
Says the OP, “He called me to vent, and I listened. Then he dropped the bomb. He asked if I would be willing to take care of their baby since I’m home with our two and get help from my parents, and when I have to take the kids to the office, I can because I own it. He mentioned I know how he feels about his kids in one of these daycares.”
HOW DID THE OP REACT
She was super annoyed. “I sort of lost it on him. It was a year and a half of walled-up anger and hurt, and I said some nasty things that I’ve since apologized for.”
FAST FORWARD TO THREE DAYS LATER
When the OP was dropping her kids at the EX’s house, this new girlfriend confronted her. “She pulled me to the side and asked why I was so ugly about it. Why I thought my kids were better than hers and why her baby doesn’t deserve the same things mine got.”
The OP said, “I never said that but apologized if anything I said came off like that, I told her I’m happy for them (I’m not but pleasantries) but was certainly not going to babysit their kid. She’s a nurse, so I get she can’t work from home and doesn’t want to give up her career, but they should’ve thought about that.”
The OP left before it blew up again. Her ex called her about two hours later and asked her to get the kids because he and his new girlfriend were fighting, and he didn’t want them around for it. The OP picked them up.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
While she was driving home, her ex texted her and asked AGAIN if I would babysit for them for $200/week. The OP said no.
She said, “He called me bitter and said I’m being mean because I’m hurt. I don’t see it this way at all, I reiterated that the request is absurd and I would not be talking about it anymore.”
THEY STARTED ACTING MEAN
“This was yesterday, and all day today new girlfriend has been texting me and having her friends and family review bomb my business. I’m not worried about it; my clients know my work. Ex-husband hasn’t said anything else but has been shorter with me in our conversations about our kids.”
The OP asks, “Am I wrong for refusing to babysit my ex-husband’s new baby?”
Not at all, is the verdict.
DON’T BE OBLIGED TO TAKE CARE OF ANYONE’S CHILD
“You are never obligated to take care of someone else’s child. Also, if you haven’t actually provided services to her and her friends/family, send a cease & desist letter. It can be defamation.”
THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
“I don’t understand how they can possibly expect you to watch their children. This is not your responsibility. Does he know that you’re still not over him? Asking because it sounds like he could be using your feelings for him to guilt you into this. Stick with a resounding no.”
SUE THEM
And you should consult a lawyer about the review bombing. Sue them.
GET A CUSTODY AGREEMENT
Your ex’s new kid isn’t your responsibility. Not only that, but I’d find it strange if you did babysit your ex’s child that he had with his new girlfriend. So not only is it morally not your responsibility, but socially I’d find that weird.
Also – I don’t know if you have any custody agreements in place, but I’d look into getting one. “He called me two hours later to get the kids” is a major red flag.
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN