Most individuals like the joy, fun,and energy that being grandparents brings to their lives. However, some people are just not cut out for the role of grandparents. They would instead opt-out and focus on their own lives.
A grandfather inquired in the forum, “Am I wrong for not being an active grandparent?”
Here’s his tale:
THE BACKGROUND
The original poster (47, M) has a son, Jake (26, M), who has his son Mike (5, M). Jake’s mother and the original poster (OP) only had a brief relationship that resulted in an unintentional pregnancy.
“To be honest, I never wanted to be a parent, especially around the age of 21. However, Jake’s mother did, and it wasn’t my decision. Officially we have always kept the peace, and things have always been icy between us as a result,” OP explains.
OP MADE AN ATTEMPT TO BE A GOOD PARENT
“I always tried to do the right thing for Jake,” the OP adds..
Every other weekend and for a month over the summer, OP would have him. He did his utmost to fulfill each request Jake made of him. The OP was kind to Jake and tried to be decent father,
JAKE’S MOTHER REMARRIED
Then, at certain point, Jake’s mother married a guy Jake despised. Jake moved in with his father when he was 13 years old.
OP HATED BEING A DAD
“I am not going to lie; I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. I adore Jake, but I hated parenting,” explains OP.
But OP cared for his son and never hesitated to fulfill his responsibilities to him. “We have a very good relationship,” OP states.
JAKE ALSO BECAME A DAD AT 21
Jake also became a father at 21. However, unlike OP, he was all for it and is happily married to Mike’s mother.
“I also got him accepted into my electrician’s union and had him set up some good jobs. So, he was on much better footing than I was for a youngster,” explains OP.
OP EXPLAINED TO JAKE HOW TOUGH PARENTING CAN BE
After a lengthy discussion, OP informed Jake, “Being a parent is a very different life. It is hard and exhausting, and you don’t get to do much of what you want on a daily basis. It will be a long time before you are free of that kind of responsibility.”
JAKE WANTED OP TO HELP WITH HIS CHILD
The conversation shifted to how the OP might help him.
“No, I told him. I am no longer a parent. I’m going back to my own life,” OP says.
OP informed Jake that he has his own house, a union job, is engaged, and is mature enough to decide to have a baby. He’s an adult now. He’s the parent.
“I’ll be around, and if there are any emergencies, I’ll do what I can. however, I will not be an “active” grandparent,” the OP said.
OP HAS BEEN ENJOYING HIS LIFE WITHOUT RESPONSIBILITIES
“I’ve mostly stuck to it. I’ve traveled a lot and have a GF and interests. To put it bluntly, I’m doing everything I didn’t get to do in my 20s,” explains OP.
OP sees Jake and his family but seldom accepts to babysit.
“Jake resents the fact that I don’t go to Mike’s games (they tend to conflict with my weightlifting club) and that I’m pretty hands-off with Mike,” the OP explains.
OP REFUSED TO GO TO MIKE’S BASEBALL TOURNAMENT
Things came to a head a week ago when Mike had a baseball tournament, and OP refused to go because he had plans to take a scuba class with his GF (which admittedly could be rescheduled).
“I didn’t tell Jake this, but I spent so many Saturdays bored out of my skull watching Little League when Jake was little. I always cheered loudly and was crazy supportive, never letting on that it was like watching paint dry. But this is no longer my responsibility,” explains the OP.
JAKE TOLD OP THAT HE WAS ACTING LIKE A TEENAGER
OP told Jake, “I spent 20 years parenting. That’s enough.”
Jake then yelled at OP that he was always jetting around, playing like a teenager, and not putting him first.
OP agreed and told his son, “I did that for 20 years to get him on his feet as an adult. I’ve done that and can return to prioritizing my life.”
“Am I wrong for not being an active grandparent to Mike?” asks the OP.
Here’s what the folks had to say.
YOU ARE RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SON
“You might not be wrong, but you’re ruining your relationship with your son by essentially saying, “I don’t care about being actively involved in your life; I’ve already done the bare minimum expected of me, and I won’t do more.”
Do you want him to have no contact with you? Because that’s the direction this is heading in.”
HE WAS BARELY THERE FOR THE FIRST 13 YEARS OF JAKE’S LIFE
“For the first 13 years of his son’s life, he did every other weekend and one month in the summer. That’s barely-there parenting, not his “duty,” and certainly not even close to “putting Jake first” for 20 years.
A parent’s “duty” is to be present for their kid as much as possible; he was there as little as possible until Jake was 13.”
HE SET HIS SON UP VERY WELL
“He then took the kid into his home full time for his teenage years and raised him well enough to get a Union job that probably has a pension.
He’s set his son up very well. I think it’s safe for him to choose how much energy he wants to put into his grandchildren.”
HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A PARENT THEN OR A GRANDPARENT NOW
“This makes sense, though. OP didn’t want to be a parent then, so of course he doesn’t want to be a parent now, let alone a grandparent.
I’m laughing because I’m 45, about to turn 46, and I’ve still got so much working time ahead of me, and this guy doesn’t want to miss a scuba class. God bless, dude.”
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Chhavi
Chhavi Agarwal is a lawyer who quit her job to become a full-time work-from-home blogger. She shares tips and tricks on making money online, side hustles, freelancing, and blogging through her blog, Mrs. Daaku Studio. She has been featured on Forbes, Business Insider, Peru Tribune, Kentucky Today and More. Byline: MSN, AP Wire, Newsbreak