Commitment is essential to a relationship because it provides structure and stability. A commitment shows that you’re willing to sacrifice your interests for the welfare of another person. It’s the foundation on which love grows, allowing trust to develop in a relationship.
A user in a confusing relationship asked the forum, “Am I wrong for telling a girl I don’t want to be friends after she broke up with me?”
THE BACKSTORY
The original poster (35, M) exited a long (6+ year) relationship about a year ago. He’s gone on a handful of dates since then. The last person (33, F) the original poster (OP) dated was for about two months and then tried to be friends for about a month.
THE TWO HAD A LOT IN COMMON
When OP and his girlfriend were dating, they got along well. They had a lot in common, the conversation flowed well, and it felt like it was developing into something.
THERE WERE A FEW RED FLAGS
OP’s girlfriend had a few red flags. “She never had a boyfriend before; she just moved here without knowing anyone because she needed to escape toxic people in her old town,” explains OP.
OP’s girlfriend also made some off-putting comments about how OP looked. “She was very spotty with communication and often left me waiting for a reply for a few days. She would never respond in less than 12-24 hours, and she would never confirm dates with me until a few hours before the date,” says OP.
She was also very cold whenever OP tried to be close to her.
ALL THESE THINGS STRESS OP
“I was often stressed, waiting, and generally didn’t feel great about myself when we were dating. I felt like she made me her third choice,” says OP.
OP’S GF BROKE IT OFF AFTER TWO MONTHS
After about two months, OP’s girlfriend broke it off. “She was honest and direct with me and said something like – I don’t feel like I’m developing the right feelings for you yet. I’m not saying that I won’t develop these feelings eventually. I would rather not have the pressure of dating and feeling like we need to force it,” says OP.
However, she still wanted to be friends with OP.
THIS BREAKUP SURPRISED OP
OP was slightly surprised because he thought things were going well but accepted it. “I told her that I didn’t want to close the door to us still possibly being romantic partners, but was okay with being friends,” says OP.
THEY CONTINUED TO MAKE DATE-LIKE PLANS
From there, they continued as usual, sending each other long flirty texts daily, making date-like plans (getting coffee, going kayaking).
OP WANTED TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS
OP still had hope and wanted them to be more than friends. “I wasn’t making any passes at her, but I still was letting her know that I wanted to be more than friends, and it felt like she was reciprocating the feeling,” says OP.
So, OP called her and laid her cards on the table. “I told her I wanted to try to date her again. She told me that she wanted to but needed to think about it because being impulsive has caused her problems in the past, but she wasn’t saying no. Fair enough,” says OP.
THEY MADE PLANS TO GO OUT
Three days later, OP’s girlfriend sent him a message saying she would love to go out with him. It sounded like a lot of fun, but she didn’t want to call it a date. That she still wasn’t sure about how she felt.
OP was okay with this, so they made plans for the following weekend. Then she canceled the day before they were to go out and told OP that she was busy the next few weeks, so she couldn’t reschedule.
OP backed off trying to schedule anything and kept their text conversation going. The following week her communication got spotty, and she would only message OP every three days.
OP FINALLY DECIDED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP
After a few days, OP sent his girlfriend a message saying that it wasn’t working for him and that he couldn’t keep trying to be friends.
“I told her I cared about her, but feeling I was being avoided or ignored was hard. I didn’t want to feel like the third option.
I told her I thought she had much to offer someone if she could get out of her own way. Someone might bring that out in her someday, but that was not me. I told her I was sorry, and maybe after time had passed and I adjusted, we could try to be friends again,” says OP.
THIS MADE OP’S GIRLFRIEND MAD
She got really mad. “She told me that she treats me like the rest of her friends. And I was either bitter about her breaking up with me, or I don’t know what friends were. She also said my “bit” about getting out of her own way was bad and unsolicited advice,” says OP.
She continued about how she didn’t want OP in her life in any capacity anymore. The language she used was angry and mean.
OP FELT TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS
OP felt terrible about her message. “I think there was a lot of truth in what we were both saying, but the ideas weren’t mutually exclusive. Me being interested in her doesn’t change the fact that she was treating me poorly,” says OP.
OP IS NOW CONFUSED
“I don’t know if I’m wrong because I continued to pursue a relationship after she was clear about not having feelings for me yet. Or was she avoiding and treating me like a backup plan while we were dating and after,” asks OP.
According to most people, OP’s girlfriend was in the wrong.
YOU WERE A BACKUP OPTION FOR HER
“She was trying to keep you as a backup option – Nothing more. If she treats all her friends that way, I wouldn’t want to be her friend. People will learn eventually; friendships and dating are a 2-way street. One person can’t do all the work.”
SHE TREATS EVERYONE THIS WAY
“She treats all her friends that way. That’s why she had to move out of her previous toxic situation to a place where she knew nobody.”
SHE WAS STRINGING HIM ALONG
“OP is not wrong, and she was stringing him along. Even when they were “just friends,” they were still doing new bf/gf relationship things without sex. They wrote long flirty text chains and went on coffee dates to keep him on the hook until she found someone she deemed better.
Also, what are the chances that she was actually the toxic person in her hometown and was finally called out on it?”
BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE
“You are not wrong. Be friends with people you want to be friends with. Life is short – you spend time/energy with people you want to or have to. If she is neither, don’t do it.”
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Chhavi
Chhavi Agarwal is a lawyer who quit her job to become a full-time work-from-home blogger. She shares tips and tricks on making money online, side hustles, freelancing, and blogging through her blog, Mrs. Daaku Studio. She has been featured on Forbes, Business Insider, Peru Tribune, Kentucky Today and More. Byline: MSN, AP Wire, Newsbreak