Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when it comes to houseguests. The interaction between various members is at the core of these complicated dynamics. A couple who live near the ocean with many tourist attractions have house guests regularly.
The problem occurred when OP refused to let his fiancée’s brother and family stay with them. He asked on the forum, “Am I wrong for letting my family stay at our house but refusing to let my fiancé’s family do the same?”
Here’s the whole story.
THE BACKSTORY
OP and his fiancée live together near the ocean with many tourist attractions. OP’s family from around the world regularly visit and stay with them. In return, OP and fiancé remain with them when they visit their cities for various reasons (work, vacation, etc).
THE PROBLEM
Last year OP had to travel to the city where his fiancée’s brother lives. She decided to come to visit him and his family. OP’s fiancée asked if they could stay with her brother, and he declined because he’s still protective of his family due to the world event.
“I understood at first, and we stayed at a hotel but later got annoyed because they had no problem going to dinner and out with us in public,” says OP.
Earlier this year, OP had to return to his city, and his fiancée came along to revisit them. He again declined her request to stay at their house, so we stayed at a hotel.
“I understand some people just don’t like to have overnight guests. The visit went smoothly, and everyone had a good time,” explains OP.
NOW BROTHER WANTS TO BE THEIR HOUSEGUEST
Last week fiancée’s brother called to ask if he and his family could stay at OP’s place when they come there in a couple of weeks for their vacation. “I got annoyed at this because he didn’t let us stay at his house but wanted to stay at ours. I told my fiancé they could stay at a hotel,” says OP.
THIS LED TO AN ARGUMENT
She argued they would need three rooms for seven days due to their family size. She then pointed out they always let OP’s family stay with them.
“I countered that is because we’re always invited to stay with my family whenever we visit their cities,” says OP. She argued family do things for each other without expecting anything in return. “We went back and forth until bed last night,” adds OP.
OP IS CONFUSED NOW
“I’m sitting here having coffee while she’s sleeping, and I’m unsure if I’m wrong. On the one hand, I know I can be stubborn and petty. On the other hand, he doesn’t invite us to stay with him while expecting us to house him and his family,” he explains.
“What do you think,” he asks.
You are not wrong is the popular verdict.
JUST SAY NO
“You are not wrong. It’s bizarre that they would ask to stay with you after denying two of your requests (with a weird excuse). Additionally, if they require three hotel rooms, that’s a lot of houseguests. Just say no.”
IT MAKES NO SENSE
“It makes no sense that brother would be uncomfortable with having you two at their (presumably larger) home but magically okay with his family staying at your home. Ask what the difference is so you can know for future reference and planning.
You are not wrong for asking the question or saying no. Your fiancée’s brother is wrong for creating the situation.”
ASK HIM WHY THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD
“Sure, he can stay. If you ask him why we must get a hotel when we see him but he’s entitled to stay at my place. I need to know. Then he’s free to do as he likes.
Let him stay but make him say why there’s a double standard.”
MAYBE THEY ARE HOARDERS
“Maybe they’re hoarders, or something else is embarrassing about their house. You’re not totally “in” the family yet, so they can still be embarrassed for you to know everything. It might be embarrassing; they haven’t told your partner either.”
SAY I’M NOT COMFORTABLE
“I’d just say I am not comfortable after recent world events.”
GIVE THEM THE TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE
“House guests are two yeses or one no. And I would say no in this case, especially because they have refused hospitality not once but twice, so give them a taste of their own medicine.”
SOMEONE’S TRYING TO PAINT OP INTO A CORNER
“They’d be staying for a week but only provide two weeks of warning because they made plans before talking to OP about it. Someone’s trying to paint OP into a corner.”
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN