Having to choose between your mom and your dad can be gut-wrenching. If you choose someone who can provide you with a better life, it may also seem cold-hearted and calculated. A 15-year-old who took this difficult decision asked on the forum, “Am I wrong for living with my dad because he can afford a much better life for me than my mom?”
Here’s the whole story.
THE BACKSTORY
The original poster (OP) is a 15-year-old girl living with her mom, stepdad, and four half-siblings. When she was two, her mother married a man with three kids (currently 21M, 19M, and 17F).
“My mom always told me that my dad left as soon as he found out that my mom was pregnant. My stepdad was the only father figure I ever knew, and when I was younger, I wanted him to be my dad. But he never accepted me,” says OP.
OP also has four half-siblings (12F, 9F, 9M, and 7M).
“My stepsister is the favorite out of us older kids. It often seems like my stepdad only cares about her and the younger ones,” says OP.
THEY DO NOT LIVE A VERY COMFORTABLE LIFE
OP’s mom and stepdad don’t have much money, so it’s pretty cramped. “I have to share a room with my half-sisters. I always have to wear my stepsister’s hand-me-downs, and we live in a poor neighborhood, so I go to a bad school. Sometimes we don’t even have enough food,” explains OP.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
About a year ago, a woman contacted OP on Instagram and told her that she thought OP might be her husband’s daughter because he was dating Op’s mom a few months before OP was born. “She told me that my mom ghosted my dad shortly after she got pregnant and moved to a different state. He tried to find her, but he couldn’t,” says OP.
OP didn’t believe her at first, but after she sent me a picture of OP’s mom and her husband, OP decided to ask her mom. She confessed and told her she had left her dad because she didn’t want to commit to a relationship.
WHAT DID OP’S DAD SAY?
OP continued talking to her dad and stepmom, and they decided to visit her. “After I told him what it’s like at home, he told me that he would fight for custody and the court would probably listen to me if I said I wanted to live with him,” says OP.
OP WASN’T SURE
“I wasn’t sure at the time because I didn’t want just to abandon my mother. I told him I would think about it and let him know,” explains OP.
After thinking about it, OP decided she would rather live with her father. “My stepmom always wanted kids, but she’s infertile, and she already loves me a lot, even though we’ve only met a few times. They also have a lot more money than my mom, so I could have my own room and new clothes and go to a much better school. I know my reasons are selfish, but I would have a much better life with him,” she explains.
OP’S DAD GOT PRIMARY CUSTODY
After OP told him, her dad went to court and got primary custody.
HOW DID OP’S MOM REACT
OP’s mom has been giving her the silent treatment ever since. “Yesterday, when I was packing, she yelled at me and called me selfish for abandoning her and my little siblings as soon as my dad showed up and said that if my dad loved me so much, he should have tried to find me earlier. I think she’s the selfish one. She kept me away from my dad for the first 14 years of my life. Honestly, I think she’s just mad because she won’t have anyone to watch her kids anymore and because my dad’s been paying her $1000 every month since he found me, and she won’t have that anymore,” says OP.
“Everyone except my younger half-brother and stepbrother is acting like I don’t exist. My dad will pick me up on Sunday, and honestly, I can’t wait. Am I wrong for living with my dad because he can afford a much better life for me than my mom,” asks OP?
Here’s how people responded.
BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER
“You’re not wrong. Your mom stole you from your father and a relationship you never got to build. It sounds like you feel neglected in your current living situation.
Go and build a relationship with your birth father, and don’t worry about what your step/half siblings think; they’re probably jealous because this whole thing sounds like some Cinderella story.”
YOUR MOM SHOULD FEEL GUILTY, NOT YOU
“Your mom is the selfish one cutting ties with your bio dad and disappearing because she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship when she got pregnant. She took away your shot of having your dad in your life. He wasn’t around because of her. Get to know your dad, formulate a relationship with him and his wife, and don’t feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s your mom. Not wrong.”
BE WITH YOUR DAD
“Who wants to bet that bio dad wasn’t as wealthy as he currently is when mom didn’t want to commit to a relationship?
OP, your mom had you the first 15 years of your life; go be with your dad for the next 15. It’s only fair.”
YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED
“Child, with all the wisdom in my soul, I tell you that you should pursue people who genuinely love you. It’s not your job to ensure your mom is ok; it’s the other way around.
There’s a lot about this situation that you’ll likely figure out later on in life wasn’t the norm or wasn’t quite ok. If you’re open to that, you should ask your father and stepmom to put you in therapy.
Just remember, you are inherently worthy of being loved and loving yourself. You don’t have to do anything to earn the right to be loved; you simply deserve to be loved. That’s it. Full stop.”
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Anika Jindal
Anika is a CPA and founder of What Anika Says. She shares simple and actionable frugal living, money management and money-saving tips to live a debt-free financially independent life. She has been featured on popular websites like Bankrate, Forbes, Mint ,and Authority Magazine. Byline: MSN